I can't be the only one that finds it difficult to muster the energy to put on shoes that tie.. I can't be the only mom out there that sweetly asks their children to run upstairs to get the cellphone I left charging because I just don't feel like dragging my own ass up there and I need to make a call, damnit. I've got important things to do, y'know?! ...... but it wasn't always this way.. I wasn't always this lazy, lumpy, wheezing sugar junkie. 10 years ago I was svelte, walking around 6 miles on most days, kickboxing at the local self defense gym.. then I got a boyfriend that didn't make me feel like I was and always would be completely dependent on him and less than a year later - TADA! I was pregnant with my first (and to this day, only) baby! ... oh, happy times! I didn't have to walk everywhere around this hilly city because my boyfriend drove! How convenient! No lugging 10 lb bags of groceries 3 miles in the rain back to my apartment! I ate what I wanted, more often than I needed and reveled in my body's ability to grow entirely new people!
I bet you can guess what happened after my lovely and beautiful baby was born... Yep - I stayed fat. For a while, anyway.. Until I found some magical beans, I mean pills, called metabolife! YAY! ... although they made me behave like a crazed lunatic, they also gave me so much energy (of the nervous sort) that I began walking 6 plus miles a day (with my baby strapped to my chest in a sling, of course) and working out at home with Billy Blanks! ... I dropped 40lbs in about 2 months. Going from 180 to about 138. I was smmmmokin' hot! ... but, I was also chronically depressed, agitated, irritable, I couldn't sleep, had zero attention span and had violent mood swings. Good times! ... This helped to facilitate the breaking up of my "babbydaddy" (which should have happened anyway, thank goodness!) and I. So, in addition to all of the above things that were going on as a result of poor choices, OTC diet drugs and poorly managed chronic depression and anxiety, I was started on valium by my doctor in combination with an SSRI.
As I slowly got mentally and physically healthier and happier, I quit the metabolife (well, it became illegal, so actually -it quit me) and slowly but surely became addicted instead to the lovely feeling of ok-ness that came with valium. So much so that I developed a tolerance and eventually tried to quit it cold turkey - which was a big mistake and best saved for another blog!
During all of this drama, as you have probably already guessed, I got fat again. I turned to food to provide the ok-ness and was still poorly managing my depression and anxiety...
Fast forward several years and here we are - with fairly well managed depressed and anxiety, althought not perfectly managed, yet. .. and yep - you knew it, still fat.
There was a healthy stint around september 2007, where I was running a reasonable amount, at a reasonable frequency until december 2008 when I got pneumonia.. I tried to pick up the running habbit again in february 2009 and a few weeks later, had pneumonia again.. Being the superstitious and brilliantly lazy slob I am - I took this as a sign from the heavens above that I am just fated to be fat. That's my place in the universe.. the fat girl.
Well - the pity party is over and I refuse to accept my role as the token fat girl anymore! .. I don't have to be the token "skinny girl", or the token "super buff" girl, or the token anything girl. My goal is to be me - only healthier, and able to walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, and able to play soccer with my kid without desperately trying to find some excuse not to because I "just don't have the energy" .. the energy is there - I just need to claim it.
..... now if only I can get off this couch....
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There's a saying in Buddhism, "If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him." Anyone who tells you they have the magic secret potion, program, video, or piece of equipment that will give you motivation is running a scam. There ain't no such thing. The only path to motivation is character. In the words of Aristotle, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore is not an act but a habit." The trick to making ANY life change is to decide who you want to be in the world, decide how that person acts, and do it. Over time, as who you *ARE* changes, what you *WANT* will change along with it. In the meantime, as the AA folks say, you've got to fake it till you make it.
ReplyDeleteIf you are being a couch potato, of course you'll want to lay on the couch and eat Twinkies. That's what all couch potatos want. If you want to be something else, then do something else. Eventually you'll find that all that time your brain use to devote to analyzing the different flavors of Twinkie, it now spends on thinking about different types of excercises you could do. I walked down the cookie isle at Safeway today and was honestly more interested in the varieties of Charmin than the cookies. A year ago I would have eaten a box of cookies before I left the parking lot.